Wrong Place
Have you ever felt like you do not belong, that it is a mistake to be here?
Probably you did. If not, let me say some way you are a very lucky person, but same time not so lucky one as well…
Once, long time ago, I was me, myself. Limitless, joyful, magical. I had no beginning or an end. You might ask how can I know it? Do I remember? No, I don’t, but I know it deep inside, I can feel it. Then one day, in just a blink of an eye I was born into this limited body. I was crying, but those around me had smile on their faces. It was weird.
Some magical way I carried the light from the other side with my heart, but back then I did not know that not everybody manages to do that.
After some time I got used to the limited body, but my soul have never got used to the world without love. I mean not just word love, but the feeling that takes your breath away, the magic that makes your heart beat, your soul smile and you never have enough words to express it. You got me, right? World without love hurt so deep that many times I have found myself lying on the bed, holding my breath, asking my heart to stop beating. Actually, I was bagging it to stop. It did not. I did not succeed, but I learn very important thing, understood that if I was not able to find love in the world around me, I could find it inside myself, I could become the love itself.
At first I was giving to all, but it made me seem like a weak person, so those around me used it. Many broke my heart and it made me become quiet, even numb for a while.
My ability to feel others feelings as my own made me a very caring person. I started to take care of everyone around me. I did not want to break others hearts, even when it was braking mine. I have put myself right at the end, as if I was someone who did not matter at all. It took me years to learn how to say NO, but the way was very long and painful.
My family was everything for me. It was all I knew. As times were hard, I was raised in the prison of everyday routine school-home, home-my parents work, home-university, work-home. I have never had fun. I thought that I did not deserve it and that my family needed me, so I was always there for them, easing their everyday life every way I could. But then, once, I did something that they did not like and they left me. Left me in the world where I knew nothing, as I have never really lived for all those years before, because I was hiding behind the walls of our home. World beside those walls was not full of nice people. They left me alone with someone they knew was the worst. I had to learn it hard way once again. I guess in this life everything is learned only hard way. No easy shortcuts.
I have spent almost eight years with the wrong person. Only because I never knew how to say NO. I have never felt support from anyone around. Everyone including my family and friends left me exactly when I needed them the most. Those eight years were very long ones full with downs, heart brakes, tears, sadness, silence, mental abuse, wrong people, wrong situations, loneliness and so much more. Stepping out of my comfort zone was part of my everyday life. I even forgot what comfort was.
My soul was sore, I reached the pick, I saw no future, there was nothing. Then I started meditating. I started waking up very early in the mornings, to take MY time, before everybody woke up, before I would have to be mom, or a girlfriend. In the mornings I was just me and this was the first time when I was able to do it.
There was a moment, when I realized that I could say NO, that I always had choice, that I can chose any time… The day I realized it, I made my choice, almost eight years late, but I did it. Doing so I jumped into the unknown, with more freedom, but huge responsibility by turning into a single mother of an amazing boy in the world I was in. World full of tradition were everybody is living according to what others will say.
Sometimes it feels like that braking ones heart is the only experience one can get here. At times being through all that I had to go through makes me think that I had so called “bad” in my life for so long that I don’t know how to be with “good”, but then I just let those thought go and accept what is, no matter what.
My way was very painful. I thought I have got over it, I forgot, I forgave, but even writing about it still makes me cry, it still hurts and leaves me wondering how I survived. Still all that happened could not brake my inner self. It did not make me lose fate in humans. It has never made me revenge or do something bad in return. All that was just made my love grow even greater. Seeing the dark side helped me to understand it deeper. My empathy helped me to understand me, those who are hurt, but also those who hurt and made me see what’s behind it all. It made me a person full of love even more than ever.
Sitting on the fresh golden green grass under my favorite tree, watching breathtaking sunset makes me realize that thirty five years ago I was born into a wrong place, a place I have never been and have never belonged to, but maybe because of this very thing I am here. To bring, what I have carried with my heart. To remind everyone where we are coming from, to help them to remember. To help them to see and feel.